A lighthearted sea battle featuring tall ships and flying vegetables. A parade dubbed the world’s longest. A “drag” race for female impersonators wearing unnervingly high heels.
These offbeat events and many more are all part of the wonderfully wacky 36th annual Conch Republic Independence Celebration, to be held April 20-29 to commemorate the Florida Keys’ symbolic secession from the United States.
“Patriots” wave flags and display signs during a ceremony marking the anniversary of the founding of the Conch Republic. (Photo by Andy Newman, Florida Keys News Bureau)
Yes, that’s right — secession.
The historic event took place April 23, 1982, prompted by a U.S. Border Patrol checkpoint that was set up without warning on the Florida Keys Overseas Highway (the only road into and out of the islands). Federal agents were supposedly searching cars for drugs and illegal immigrants — but their roadblock created a massive multi-mile traffic jam of cars leaving the Keys, irritating residents and visitors almost beyond bearing.
In protest, citizens staged the secession and proclaimed the island chain the independent Conch Republic. They then declared war on the mother country, carried it out by pelting a hapless U.S. Navy officer with stale Cuban bread, promptly surrendered and demanded $1 billion in foreign aid.
Today irreverent “patriots” throughout the Keys fly the royal blue flag of the little “nation,” and celebrate its birthday each year with a roster of eccentric events.
The 2018 schedule includes the Great Conch Republic Drag Race Saturday, April 21, in the 700 block of famed Duval Street. Instead of traditional racecars circling a high-speed track, the challenge typically stars drag queens in racing attire and wigs, sprinting down the pavement in towering high heels.
Captain Finbar Gittelman is the Admiral and Supreme Commander of the Keys’ spirited Conch Republic Navy. (Photo by Rob O’Neal, Florida Keys News Bureau)
The secession’s anniversary Monday, April 23, features the world premiere of a documentary on the Conch Republic’s venerable First Sea Lord Admiral Finbar Gittelman, captain of the republic’s flagship Schooner Wolf. Few people are more worthy of a documentary than Finbar, whose larger-than-life adventures and humanitarian relief efforts have made him a legendary figure.
“The Old Man and the Sea: Return to Cuba” will be screened at 4 p.m. and 9 p.m. at the Key West Theater at 512 Eaton St. Question-and-answer sessions and receptions with super-talented filmmaker Matt Dean and the admiral follow the screenings.
The secession itself will be commemorated Monday evening at Mallory Square overlooking Key West Harbor. Hosted by the colorful Conch Republic Military Forces, the ceremony includes a 21–conch shell horn salute (what else?) backed by an incomparable Key West sunset.
Thursday evening, April 26, brings the World’s Longest Parade. Stepping off at 8 p.m. on Duval Street, the procession is named because it begins at the Atlantic Ocean and proceeds down the length of Duval to the Gulf of Mexico. (Okay, technically the route is only a mile and a quarter, which is NOT the world’s longest. But the parade is great fun — so who cares?)
Florida Keys residents proudly fly the royal blue flag of the Conch Republic, welcoming visitors to the gutsy little “nation.”
The action moves to Key West Harbor at 7 p.m. Friday for the Great Sea Battle for the Conch Republic. It features sea dogs and wenches aboard tall ships and other vessels, who mount a good-natured attack against the “evil federal forces.” Led by the Schooner Wolf, it involves weapons ranging from water cannons to flying Cuban bread and veggies.
Noncombatants can view the seafaring spectacle from Mallory Square — and by some odd coincidence, the republic always wins.
Other festival attractions include tall ship sailing adventures on the Schooner Wolf, the Hot Havana Nights gala, Conch Republic military demonstrations, parties and libations, the Community Unity Concert, a pirates’ ball and the election of the republic’s “royal family.” As if that’s not enough, right after the festival itself, sailors are planning the inaugural Conch Republic Independence Celebration Regatta to Cuba.
This April, aspiring citizens and sympathizers are invited to head for the Keys and be part of the gutsy little republic’s 10-day birthday party. But if you can’t visit the island nation for the celebration, don’t worry — whenever you do arrive, you’ll be warmly welcomed in the Conch Republic.
